This is not to say that I will ever write an autobiography, because I won't. Where's the fun in that? If I wanted to relive my first 40 years, I'd just get into my bed and pretend it was time to sleep, because it's part of my regular nighttime routine already.
No, the fun is in coming up with titles. Honestly, I don't even have to try. They just pop into my head randomly, sometimes based on current circumstances, but more often used as a symbol for my life decisions/experiences in general.
My go-to, stock title has long been "Mistakes Were Made: The Jennifer Novak Story." But that's a little too vague and a little too Every Man. Mistakes are part of being human. So I realized that it was time to broaden my horizons and narrow my focus simultaneously.
Without further adieu, then, here are several categories of The Jennifer Novak Story (that will never be written). Side note: I'm gonna go ahead and include "The Jennifer Novak Story" after every single one of them. Because I like it better that way.
Regrets:
"I Should've Eaten Before I Got There: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"Sorry About What Happens Later: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"Sure, I'll Have One More: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"Challenge Accepted!: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"Where Am I?: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"I'll be Healthy Tomorrow. Or Wait, No. Monday.: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"That Sounds Like a Problem for Future Jen: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"I'm So Full: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"She's Taken Off Both Shoes and a Sock, and She Appears to be Crying: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"Make it Strong, Because I Don't Need to Think: The Jennifer Novak Story"
Oh, man, I could go all day on regrets. And will. Probably avoid me at parties. So, because I like to stretch my brain, I'll get positive.
Aspirations, or "Selling the Package"
"Yes: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"Smiling's My Favorite: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"Sometimes I'm Really Funny: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"I Get Along with People: The Jennifer Novak Story"
God, never mind. That was excruciating. Let's get back to my comfort zone.
Excess
"I Go Hard: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"Can We Make That Thing I Already Did Not Happen?: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"I Didn't Mean It Like That: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"Wait. How Did You Think I Meant It?: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"I Put the Food I Just Ate in my Tracker App, and it was Over 15,000 Calories: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"Anybody Else Drinking Out of this Bottle?: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"Anybody Else Eating Out of this Pizza Box?: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"Are You Going to Finish That?: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"Should I be Ashamed that I Achieved Sephora VIB Status in Like, Three Months?: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"I Can't Remember the Last Time I DIDN'T Have 'Second Lunch': The Jennifer Novak Story"
Again, I could go all day on this, but won't, because I'm getting bored. However, I think we have time for one more category:
Passion
"I Like You: An Ode to Cobbler: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"I Love You: A Woman and her Donuts: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"I Am Super Into You for a Minute: An Ode to Goals: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"Mmm, Leftover Pizza: The Jennifer Novak Story"
"I Love Sleeping and Eating and Baseball and Adventure: The Jennifer Novak Story"
I'm title rich. But I'm also super not into this anymore, so I'll leave you with a summation...
"I'm Vaguely Tired, Hungry, and Cranky: The Jennifer Novak Story"
What's YOUR title? I mean, just think about it quietly to yourself, because I'm going to go have first lunch. Take care now.
If my title could only be one single picture.*
*This was not my food.
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