Friday, April 26, 2013

Gender Equality at Last: Thank You, Bic.


Let’s face it, girls: women and men are not treated equally. Whether you want to admit it or not, it’s true. Women tend to receive less pay, fewer opportunities, and just aren’t as strong as men. Men, on the other hand, dominate nearly every category, save for sandwich-making and cleaning the house. So it has been since the beginning of time, when cavemen outclubbed their female counterparts in the very first documented Battle of the Sexes.

Ladies, we can’t change any of that, and frankly, we shouldn’t be busying our minds with something so confusing. Rather, let us focus on the best thing to happen to women since Roe v. Wade: the Bic Cristal for Her Ball Pen. Not only did the geniuses at Bic (undoubtedly men) design this pen to be smaller so that it would “fit her hand”, they also made it a more “elegant design” with pretty, pastel colors just for her!

Now, women, you’re probably thinking, “I have a lot to do around the house! This dinner isn’t going to make itself, and I have to go to the store first. There’s simply no time for something so frivolous!” But consider this: you have to make that list with some type of writing utensil, right? With the Bic for Her, it will be easier to write, as the pen doesn’t weigh as much, and you won’t be unintentionally muscling up your hand by using a man’s pen. We aren’t equal, why should our pens be?

For those of you who aren’t already blessed with such a gift to the writing world, you’re probably thinking “There is NO way my husband is going to approve this on my allowance!” Don’t overtax those pretty little skulls. When he comes home from work, go ahead and be waiting with his pipe, newspaper, drink (make it a double tonight!), and slippers, as always, but this time, maybe give him a little shoulder massage too. Then, when he’s good and relaxed, slip it in casually. Maybe something like, “Honey, I’ve been working so hard on our family calendar and grocery lists that we’re out of ink again. May I buy a new pen?” He won’t even know what hit him! Remember: women can be cunning when they need to be, and as long as you’re using said cunning to do things that make his life easier, there won’t be any problems!

Women who have been lucky enough to own these pens claim that the sleek design makes everyday tasks, like horseback riding and swimming, even easier. It’s so discreet that nobody will even notice you’re doing work! You’re sure to get lots of compliments from other women on your new accessory, and anything that makes you a desirable object to others is sure to make your husband realize he was even smarter than he thought to have put a ring on it! Tee hee.

Now go ahead and pop those cookies in the oven so that the house smells fragrant and welcoming when he comes home, slip the kids a Benadryl so they’re docile when he walks through the door, slap a fresh coat of paint on your nails, and get ready for your brand new life!

Bic for Her: Putting Women Back in Their Place.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Robinson's Character the True Star of '42'

It is a good movie indeed that can turn all of your preconceived notions upside down and make you wonder if everything you ever believed was a lie.

In the movie 42, Brian Helgegard did just that, taking an era that people often refer to as “the good ol’ days” and bringing the camera lens right up to the ugliness that Jackie Robinson had to face as the first black man to play in major league baseball.

Misconceptions about the innocence of baseball were also dashed, as the movie focused on the motivation behind getting Robinson into the game: greed. The bottom dollar, at least as far back as the forties, was money, just as it is in today’s game.

Star Chadwick Boseman played Robinson as a man facing challenges every day that many of us couldn’t dream of with a stoic inner strength that played out beautifully on screen. The movie focuses on Robinson’s first two seasons after being called up, but largely glosses over his first season, with the Montreal Royals, before honing in on the meat of the story, Robinson’s first year with the Brooklyn Dodgers.

His life as a husband and as a father were passed by entirely, but this wasn’t a movie called “Jackie Robinson: a Husband and Father.” It is a movie about baseball, and boy, was it ever. The supporting cast was fantastic, with Nicole Beharie turning in an excellent performance as Jackie’s wife, Rachel, and Christopher Meloni, as suspended Dodgers manager Leo Durocher, bringing the character’s tough choices to life in a subtle but powerful turn.

Aside from Boseman, however, the true star of the show was the actor who played Branch Rickey. It was at least half an hour into the movie before I realized it was Harrison Ford. Ford made Rickey equal parts growling and sympathetic, with his motives behind bringing Robinson up very clearly in favor of the moneymaking aspect of the decision. Still, it was hard not to like the character, and any true story-style movie that makes me research the historical figure after watching it is a well-crafted flick, indeed.

Despite the unflinching look at racism that this story portrayed, the PG-13 rating is apt, and this would be a kid-appropriate movie. Film distributor Warner Brothers focused on the story in all the right ways, and the more people who can see their portrayal of Robinson’s struggles, the better. It’s important for as many people as possible to understand how far things have come, both in baseball and in our history as a country.

It’s true that baseball ain’t like it used to be, but maybe that’s a good thing.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Get Outta My Dreams and Get Into This Movie!

So, I had to do a short film review for my Editorial Writing class. I've seen a lot of good movies. Hell, I manage a movie theater, and my dad has owned it since 1982. Having so much material to pull from, it was clear to me what I had to do. Corey Haim may never be my third husband, but I can still pay homage to him every chance I get.
Without further ado, here it is.

Bogey and Bacall. Hepburn and Tracy. Astaire and Rogers. These are just a few of the legendary pairings who look like amateurs compared to the king of all acting duos: Haim and Feldman. If you haven’t had the absolute pleasure of watching “License to Drive”, their 1988 silver screen masterpiece, then stop what you’re doing, no matter what it is, and watch it, no matter how difficult it might seem.

What doesn’t this movie have? Protagonist who talks to the camera: check. A young Heather Graham: check. Scenes in the DMV: check. Twin sister character: check. Carol Kane: check. The list goes on and on. Are you looking for Corey Haim to grin adorably? You won’t be disappointed. Are you looking for Corey Feldman to be the slightly darker character of the two Coreys? It’s your lucky day! Are you hoping for never-ending hijinks to ensue? Oh, boy, are you going to be excited!
You might be wondering about the plot. Don’t. There is no need for a well-developed plot with this depth of cast. Richard Masur’s moustache did not get its own billing, but it should have. Likewise with the family car.

Director Greg Beeman was truly blessed with this manna from cinematic heaven. He had to do very little to ensure that teenage girls would flock to theaters to watch, and that’s exactly what he did. Close-ups of Heather Graham’s blue eyes and helpless expression (that expression may have been real) abounded. The script may as well have read as follows: For 88 minutes, let Carol Kane be frazzled and zany. Let Haim grin and let Feldman furrow his eyebrows. Throw in a conspiratorial father-son moment (or two)! Destroy stuff. Make the girl cute and show her legs off accordingly. Make the twin sister a bookish contrast to Haim’s Haim-like mirth. And for God’s sake, keep it PG-13 appropriate! Think of our demographic here!

If you were thinking that the soundtrack had no legendary title track, you would be wrong yet again, and at this point, maybe consider walking away from the cinematic guessing game. BILLY OCEAN. That’s right, “Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car” provided not only a movie-appropriate title track, but come on! Have you HEARD the song?
All in all, this movie was a recipe for late-80’s success. It achieved exactly what I imagine it set out to do: draw in teenage girls, and accordingly, their teenage dates who would see anything if it meant potentially holding hands and maybe even making out with them while said girls pretended they were with (either) Corey instead.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Things That Make Me SO HAPPY

My sister Shannon, who knows quite a bit about me and has stood by my side through the last two-plus tumultuous months (as well as the years before it), sends me articles that she feels are relevant to my life and/or good mood-boosters.
The one last night was entitled "25 Things That Make Me Want to Pee Myself with Happiness" and, I have to say, it was highly effective in reminding me to put things in perspective and not dwell on shit that I can't fix or in any other way change. In fact, it made me want to make my own list, based on the first things that popped into my mind. I'm not going to urge you to do the same, because I'm not your micro-manager and you have to get there yourself anyway, but here are mine. I'm not setting a number, because I'm not even sure what they are yet, but my one disclaimer is that things like "my family" and "my health" won't be on the list, though I am very grateful to have both. So, without further adieu, because there has been plenty already:

1. Really delicious food that's so delicious I do my little happy food dance when I'm eating, even if I'm alone.
2. The first Cadbury egg of the season.
3. All of the Cadbury eggs after that.
4. MUSIC. Specifically mine (really into Ghosts on the Boardwalk by Dave Hause right now; also, guiltily, Thrift Shop by Macklemore).
5. Walking around the land outside my house pretending to be a farmer (not actually farming. Aside from putting up the chickens and gathering their eggs, I mean. Whatever).
6. My car continuing to get me to all the places I need to go, because that's a pretty demanding job.
7. Being in the writing zone.
8. Staying up late and knowing I don't have to wake up early in the morning.
9. My couple of really great friends, because I generally don't let people in so these people had something special.
10. Alien Blue, particularly AskReddit.
11. Other people at work besides me being able to do the deposit.
12. The air in springtime. It just smells cleaner.
13. Being outside in the sun, picking up branches or sweeping off steps or just anything.
14. New Girl/Cougar Town/HIMYM
15. BASEBALL SEASON and the fact that at least one game's tickets are already purchased.
16. My trip this weekend to California!
17. Finding this amazing Sparkling Ice water to try to curb my diet pop addiction.
18. This pair of yoga pants I'm wearing right now that I actually do yoga in.
19. Freakin' funny pictures randomly sent to me by my meme-genius former co-worker.

I mean, that's 19 things right there, with almost no thought involved (something else I love! Not THINKING so much!),so, oh, man, there could be way more. The things that have been so difficult lately seem further away when I think instead about cool stuff.
Remember, I'm not saying you should try it.
I just liked the hell out of remembering how many things make me smile until my face hurts. But I'm weird that way.