Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Meaning of Life


Today was a good day. After nearly three decades of being me, I had long since accepted that I had no self-esteem. I was ok with it. Did I want to be different? Sure, but it was the same kind of wanting that I employed when I dreamt of being in prime physical condition: I WANTED it, but only if I didn’t have to do anything to get it. I WANT my house to be remodeled, but I don’t want to do any of the extensive work required for that to happen. I’m lazy, is what I’m trying to say.
Not now. It all changed as I lay face down on the beach this afternoon, marveling at tiny little shells that could bury themselves in the sand. As I took another swig of my warm, slightly sandy pear-vodka-and-water beverage, it hit me with an almost physically-jarring jolt.
I’m amazing.
I’m not just amazing, I’m the most incredible person I know. I not only want to be around myself, I enjoy my company.
This realization was based on a few key truths, which I will graciously detail for you now, and also for me, should I forget once I sober up and/or sleep.
1. Everything that I think is funny is VERY funny. I totally agree that everything I laugh at is, in fact, laugh-worthy. EVERYTHING.
2. Things that make me angry are very reasonable things that SHOULD make one angry. If not, why would I get angry about them?
3. Things that make me sad are sad. They just are. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be sad.
Unless you’re very slow, you get the picture. I GET me. I understand me. I don’t have to talk when I’m with myself. I can just sit in companionable silence. If I want to play spider solitaire for several hours and drink, that makes sense. If I want to sleep in and not shower until late in the day, well, there’s nothing wrong with that! If I’m being moody, it’s for good reason!
As I came out of this once-in-a-lifetime epiphany, I heard my husband (another good, solid person, but one who I don’t always agree with or understand, therefore making him not as great as me) call for me. He’d caught a freakin’ shark. From the shore.
So, yeah, he’s pretty amazing. But he’s no me.