Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Personal

Last night, my son played me a new song. He prefaced the playing by telling me that it was very sad, but brilliant.

Well, I've been emotional these last few days, and it seemed like the timing for a sad song was not great, but he's my son and I love him, so I acquiesced.

The song is called Personal, by Stars, and the lyrics are as follows.



[Wanted:]
Single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea
[Sought by single m:] Mrs.Destiny, send photo to address, is it you and me?

[Reply to single m:]
My name is Caroline cell phone number here, call if you have the time
28 and bored, grieving over loss, sorry to be heavy but heavy is the cost, heavy is the cost

[Reply to Caroline:]
Thanks so much for response, these things can be scary
Not always what you want
How about a drink? The St.Jude club at noon?
I'll phone you first I guess
I hope I see you soon!

I never got your name, I assume you're 33
Your voice it sounded kind
I hope that you like me
When you see my face, I hope that you don't laugh
I'm not a film-star beauty
I sent a photograph
I hope that you don't laugh...

[Note to single m:]
Why did you not show up?
I waited for an hour and finally gave up
I thought once that I saw you, I thought that you saw me
I guess we'll never meet now
It wasn't meant to be
I was sure that you saw me, but it wasn't meant to be

[Wanted:]
single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea
Sought by single m:
nothing too heavy, send photo to address
is it you?
or me?

I almost had to leave the room. Because it wasn't just that the lyrics were so sad (and they were). It wasn't just the combination of the lyrics with the heartbreakingly beautiful melody. What really finished me off was the nonverbal portion.

The female part came quickly, words almost tumbling one over the other as she replied. The male part was slower. There were pauses, and those pauses continued to lengthen. By the end, it was almost too intense to listen to. There has only ever been one other song to invoke that sort of intense emotion within me upon first listen, so this was huge.

Hunter wanted to play it again, and I said no. He started to anyway, so eager was he to convince me of the beauty of it, and when he did, I had to leave the room.

And then I started to think about it. Though the theme of a woman who had suffered a loss trying to find love and being brutally rejected was tragic, that woman could have had it a lot worse. She was lucky to have found someone who made no secret of the fact that he was an asshole, though he did reveal himself in an underhanded way. She was lucky that the relationship never developed, because what kind of person does that? Certainly not the type that you want in your life long-term.

And then I REALLY started to think about it. This song brings up an interesting point. We all just want to be happy. Many of us achieve that happiness in a relationship, or so we think. The beginning is all puppy love and obsession, and it feels nice. It feels like the most amazing thing in the world, and why didn't anyone ever tell us love was this big? This beautiful? We neglect other parts of our lives, so wrapped up are we in that other person.

Then the new wears off, and this relationship starts to require work, and the next thing you know, you're not sure the last time that you had a real conversation. Maybe you have kids together, or have a demanding job, and you forget to focus on your significant other. And then...he or she is gone, and the crushing grief kicks in. You really loved that person. He or she was your life, and meant everything to you. You can't think of anything else but how happy you were with them, even if, while you were in that relationship, you weren't really focused on it. You start to think you're miserable and will never be happy again.

That kind of thinking, and I can say it because I've been guilty of it, is STUPID. You cannot depend on someone else to be in charge of your happiness. The only person who can control your emotions...is you.

Absolutely, mourn the end of a relationship. Absolutely, take a little time to feel sorry for yourself, to wallow in self-pity, to eat up all the ice cream you can find and listen to the song he played for you when he declared his love for the first time.

And then man up and move on.

You owe it to yourself, the person that you will spend every waking moment with for the entirety of your lifetime. You owe it to yourself to realize that the relationship you have with YOU needs to be the best thing you ever experienced.

Get to know yourself. Obsess over what makes you happy. Find your comfort zone.

Be your own best friend.

And maybe someday you will find your soul mate, but there is no sense in even trying to do that if you don't like yourself. If YOU don't like you, why on earth should anyone else?

So, to that girl in the song, and I know she is everywhere in the world, don't pin your hopes on him. Grieve your loss first, and then go buy yourself something, even if it's just a new tube of lipstick. Practice smiling. Then practice it more. Before long, it will come naturally. Smile right now and tell me you don't feel just a tiny bit better.

And then remind yourself that you're pretty damn amazing. And someday, if someone is lucky enough, they'll get to realize it, too.

Letting Go.

For the last several months, I've been struggling with an issue that at times can shake my already-tenuous grasp on confidence. Though I'm nowhere near as confident as, say, my son is, I really WANT to be, and I've come a long way in the last however many years it's been since I was 13 (fine, it's been 25 years).

That's pretty much when I first became aware of my appearance in a self-conscious way. And I was lucky - girls now, in my opinion, are under a lot more pressure to look good at a much younger age, since the birth of social media and the selfie. At least when I was a teenager, we really only had to compare ourselves to the girls in our class and the girls in magazines. Now, there are comparisons everywhere. The pictures I see on my news feed every day make me think, damn, I wouldn't stand a chance against these girls. I wish I had my eighth grade picture just to prove what I looked like versus what these girls look like. It's crazy.

But I digress. The point is, I'm like many people out there - I want to be a good person, but I get caught up in my own petty obsessions. I think too much about trivial things that, almost 100 percent of the time, don't happen. I have conversations in my mind that will never take place, about life events that also will never take place. I catch myself doing these things, and I recognize myself to be the compilation of equal parts narcissism and self-doubt that I really am.

In the issue I've been dealing with, every move I make online has been obsessively followed. Pictures I take and statuses I post have been raked over with a fine-tooth comb. I don't care about that - if I didn't want things out there, I obviously wouldn't post them. Still, at times it's a bit unnerving. And, to be honest, a little creepy.

But, in the end, there is nothing I can do about it. And that is why this list has been so beneficial to me. For that reason, I'm going to share it with you, because I like you and want you to be happy.

Here is the link to the article, or just read it here. Either way, I did NOT write it.
http://www.purposefairy.com/3308/15-things-you-should-give-up-in-order-to-be-happy/

1. Give up your need to always be right
There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. Give up your need for control
Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. Give up on blame
Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk
Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.

“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

5. Give up your limiting beliefs
about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!

“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle

6. Give up complaining
Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

7. Give up the luxury of criticism
Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.

8. Give up your need to impress others
Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take off all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.

9. Give up your resistance to change
Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.

“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell

10. Give up labels
Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open.

“The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer

11. Give up on your fears
Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.

“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. Give up your excuses
Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

13. Give up the past
I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all, life is a journey, not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

14. Give up attachment
This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another, attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations
Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves. You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

I have this list hanging up in my office, and I try to read it every day. Does it work?
Are you kidding me? Every day is still a brand new challenge. But then I read it again.
Eventually, I hope that these little rules will stick.

Here is my other reference, more of a pocket one, if you will. Here it is:



So, check them out. See if they can help you in your life. And if they can't, if you're already chill and Zen and at one with the present, then please contact me. I have a lot to learn from you.
The rest of you, welcome. Let's figure this out together.

Monday, August 19, 2013

My Last Fall...

Today is the last first fall semester day as a student.

In a way, it's unbelievable that it's already here. In another way, when I do the math, I realize this is my sixth semester as a PSU student, and so, well, YEAH, it should be my last fall semester. I didn't intend for this to be a lifetime thing.

But I LOVE the classroom. I love learning. I didn't always, which is why I'm just now finishing my graduate degree, at age 38. I appreciate it now, however. Part of it is that I'm paying for this education myself, out of pocket, as I go. Part of it is that I just...CARE now, in a way that I certainly didn't before.

Regardless, here I am. And it's a little bittersweet. Everything today looks a little rosier, a little more polished, and pretty, and magical, than it normally would. This time next year, I won't be making the 40-mile commute to campus. Though I would love to return as a professor, I haven't made the decision to pursue my doctorate. My husband and I have a different plan, one in which I travel with him so that we can actually spend time together as a married couple. Also, the light of my life, my son, will be a senior in high school next year, and I don't want to start a new project and miss the last nine months of the best 18 years of my life.

So, this is it. And it's enough. I made goals for myself when I was sick, and this degree is the final goal. Not, like, an I-can-die-now final goal, but the final goal that would require real work on my part.

It's a little sad that this is the last year working in Career Services.

It's a little sad that this is the last class I will take taught by Dr. Arbuckle, who is an amazing person.

It's a little sad that this is the last semester I will take a class in 309 Grubbs Hall, the staple classroom of my college career here.

Life goes on, and all things must end, and I've been through enough phases of life to know that I'll keep truckin' without pause, because I tend to leave things behind a little too easily. But in this time leading up to that end, I reserve the right to be stupidly nostalgic.

Also, have you read my article? Because you should. And then read other articles on the site, because it's great, and there is something there that will resonate with you. I guarantee it.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-time-to-act-is-now-get-out-there-and-seize-the-moment/

And here's a nice picture for you. Of food, because it's me.