In December of 2011, I finished a three-month long project of researching and writing about stepmothers. It was an amazing experience. This is my finished product.
*Side note: my stepsons' biological mom read this paper too. Although it made her furious, she has made so much more of an effort to be in the boys' lives since then that I have to think it did some good. At any rate, she is doing much better with them than she was at the time of this writing.*
Introduction
I don’t know any little girls who dream of becoming stepmothers when they grow up.
I mean, what reasonably intelligent woman would ever wish that upon herself? Even so, there are 36 million stepmothers in the United States, and that is a very large group of villains. Imagine a superhero trying to conquer THAT evil mob.
When my dad got married, I laughingly called his new wife my stepmonster - behind her back, of course, because I didn’t know if she would appreciate or even care about my way of expressing humor. She was nothing like a monster, but she wasn’t my mother. I already knew that my parents were never going to get back together, but when my dad married someone else, I felt betrayed. I thought it was going to be the two of us forever. Once she moved in, that wasn’t the case.
Fast forward 17 years, and I was the one becoming the stepmonster. Of course, in my mind it was all different. I was super cool and I loved my stepsons so much. We hugged and stuff. Their biological mother had abandoned them 18 months before and only popped in and out of their lives for events with an audience – ball games, band performances, etc. I thought we had it made.
That was over a year ago, and I was so wrong. That is how I came to find out that I wasn’t alone. For every cluster of stepmothers, there is a stepmother support group, and brother, you’d better believe that we all have stories. Parenting is not easy. Step-parenting is for the truly brave. When my son is having a bad time, it is natural for me to comfort him, even hug him if his teenage guard is down. When my stepsons are having a bad time, I do the same thing. However, I would be lying if I said that it felt the same. With them, I know that their mother is seldom around. She texts them, and a few times a year she will even pull in our driveway to bring them something. She is never the one there to comfort them. I know that, even though they are teenagers, they need a mother’s love, but I will never be their mother. Their mother meddles just enough to ensure that my relationship with her children will never be as I would like it to be. She mandates that I am to make no decisions regarding the boys’ care, nor are they to love me. If I make a decision and she finds out about it, she sends blistering texts to the boys in which she uses language that no child should ever have to read.
This situation is even more delicate since their father travels for work and is gone roughly a third of the year. In those times, I am the only parent, but I am still not allowed to parent unreservedly.
In the course of the past year, I have felt many times that I have bitten off more than I can chew. Then, I was saved in the form of a stepmother’s support group suggested to me by a former classmate and now fellow stepmother. Once I started reading the stories of these women, I realized how much I needed them. In the last several weeks, I believe that they have saved me from running back to my pre-stepmother life.
Literature Review
In telling the story of the wicked stepmother, many theories in communication could be employed. Fisher’s narrative paradigm is the theory employed in this research. The stepmother’s side of the story, narrated by a stepmother, was a natural fit.
Fisher’s narrative paradigm is a theory of communication as old as time. Stories are our lifeblood, and we pass them down from generation to generation in the hopes that we will be remembered. As we go through life, some things we experience may cause us to feel isolated. Stories bring us back and remind us that other people have gone through similar struggles and persevered. Stories help remind us that we are not alone. They remind us that there were others before us, and that there will be others after us. They beg to be told, and we have a responsibility to keep them alive.
Throughout this research paper, in order to keep it simple, the child or children will be referred to as male. This is not to demean the female child perspective, but rather to avoid excessive use of “his or her,” and “he or she.”
According to author Allison Christian in her article Contesting the myth of the 'wicked stepmother': narrative analysis of an online stepfamily support group, the term 'stepparent' was formed from the old English word 'steop,' which is derived from the Germanic root meaning 'bereave.' Thus, the stepmother achieves the title because a spouse and parent has been bereft of a partner. It is a straightforward definition. In our society, however, it has become a negative stereotype.
Stepfamilies are an increasingly common family form. In half of new marriages, at least one partner has been married previously. Sixty percent of remarriages include children of one or both spouses. Estimates project that one-third of children reside in stepfamilies, and this figure doesn’t include children with nonresidential rather than residential stepparents. Remarriages that create a stepfamily are more likely to end in divorce than remarriages without children (Haigh, et. al, 2008). In fact, the current divorce rate for remarriages involving children is 70%.
The deck is stacked against the blended family from the beginning. Stepparents are perceived by society as less responsible for stepchild care, but women are seen as more responsible than men for household and childcare chores (Lown, 1997). Mother–stepfather families do not have this issue, as beliefs about gender and parental roles do not conflict: the biological mother is expected to have more responsibility for households and childcare (Keshet, 2001). Additionally, stepmothers may feel that they don’t have an outlet for dealing with the stress of their roles or adequate social support. Stigma associated with the “wicked stepmother” stereotype may limit a stepmother’s ability to reach out to her social support network concerning stepfamily issues.
What can improve the chances of the successful stepmother/stepchild bond is a strong marriage. Allegiance to the spouse first and foremost, and maintaining a strong and united front for the children, helps them to understand their roles in the family unit and fosters security in their lives. Many studies report a positive link between marital quality and parent-child relationships. A good marriage may encourage fathers to support the stepmother-child relationship, may grant stepmothers authority to take on a parental role, and may make both parents more available to respond to children's needs (Cherlin and Furstenberg, 1994).
A strong marriage does lead to a stronger stepfamily household, but marital difficulties may be perceived differently by the stepmother than by her husband. Whereas biological parents may consider marital problems to be separate from difficulties arising from their parent–child relationship, stepparents are likely to believe that there is a link between marital difficulties and problems in their relationship with their stepchild (Kurdek and Fine, 1995).
Provided a stepmother can fight through the early months of difficulty, the stepmother/stepchild bond may become closer the longer the stepmother has been in the child's life. Children may come to see the stepmother as an additional support rather than as a threat to their relationship with the biological mother or father, and any competition between the mothers may attenuate as the childrearing roles of each mother are successfully negotiated (Brand, Clingempeel, & Bowen-Woodward, 1988). Some studies, however, fail to find that time significantly influences stepmother-stepchild ties, but it might enhance closeness to the extent that family life stabilizes in the aftermath of the divorce and remarriage (Everett, 1997).
The stepmother is faced with the daunting task of having to rapidly develop the expanded identity which will enable her to perform parental functions. At the same time she confronts very specific obstacles. The stepmother enters a web of family relationships which present her with a range of issues and conflicts that add enormously to the psychological and situational demands of her role, and this is especially true in families in which the biological mother maintains a parenting relationship with her children. As she enters the new family, the stepmother is likely to confront intense and primitive emotions that may include the stepchildren’s feelings of suspicion and resentment, the rivalry and hatred of the biological mother as well as her own children’s anxiety about sharing or losing her (Hart, 2009).
Dr. Lisa Doodson, a psychologist and stepmother, interviewed and surveyed 250 stepmothers divided into four groups: those with full-time care of stepchildren in addition to biological children of their own, those with full-time care of stepchildren and no biological children, those with no biological children and part-time care of stepchildren, and those with full-time care of biological children and part-time care of stepchildren. Overall, the research showed that stepmothers in general have "significantly greater anxiety and depression than biological mothers,” Doodson reported. Comparing the four groups, she found the highest levels of depression in women who had full-time care of step kids and biological kids. There were also high levels of anxiety among stepmothers with no children of their own, because they had never parented before and were brought into an “instant parent” situation. This group of stepmothers was also confused by the ambiguity of their role, and whether they should act as a mother or a friend to their stepchildren. Doodson maintained that the ongoing influence of the biological mother was another source of anxiety.
Anxiety in the stepmother was found to have very specific symptoms and properties. In the 1980s, two Canadian doctors discovered a subcategory of women with an unusual set of symptoms while seeking treatment at local mental health clinics. There were 22 women, and they all fit the profile for a diagnosis of classic depression. However, their depression profiles also included "preoccupation with position in the family, feelings of anxiety, rejection, ineffectiveness, guilt, hostility, exhaustion and loss of self-esteem." The symptoms were so "remarkably uniform" that the doctors named their depressive illness "Cinderella's Stepmother Syndrome." The doctors found that these women were experiencing very specific stress stemming from their attempts to maintain their marriages and care for their stepchildren while also trying to overcompensate for being perceived as “wicked stepmothers.” (Kerr, 2010).
In some cases, the phrase “wicked stepmother” may even be too generous. In a 1981 national survey, children ages 11-16 and their parents were both asked who they specifically considered the members of their family to be. Although only one percent of parents failed to mention their biological children, 15% did not mention stepchildren that lived with them. Among children, 31% did not list the stepparent that they lived with, and 41% neglected to mention step-siblings (Furstenberg 1987).
A study by Marilyn Ihinger-Tallman and Kay Pasley reviewed two decades of research to conclude several findings. They posited that stepfamily norms are developing, that the normal time period for cohesion of the stepfamily unit is three to five years, that stepchildren tend to leave the family home sooner than children in a traditional nuclear family and, most troubling, that the stepmother-stepchild relationship is the most problematic (Lown, 1997).
Habits take time to form. The same is true for stepfamilies. The longer a stepmother is around the child, or the more frequently, the more used to him she will be, and the more used to her he will be. Likewise, the less frequent the child’s interaction with a non-resident mother, a stepmother is more likely to develop a parent-like role with her stepchild (Cherlin and Furstenberg, 1994). As the child comes to realize that his new family situation is real and is permanent, both he and his new stepmother will become acclimated to their roles. The more acclimated they are, the more comfortable they will become. Outside elements, however, can still interfere.
Taking the conclusions drawn from previous qualitative research as well as examination of literature on the topic of stepmothers allowed the following four hypotheses to be drawn.
Hypotheses:
H1: Women who have been stepmothers for less than 10 years are more likely to find the
experience stressful than women who have been stepmothers for over 10 years.
The reasoning behind this is simple. In the process of interviewing stepmothers, results showed that women with more experience were able to handle the stresses of step-parenting with relative ease compared to those women who were newer to the stepmother role. It therefore seems logical that with experience comes a sense of calm, or at least an ability to handle the role more effectively.
H2: Regardless of whether or not a stepmother has no biological children, biological children from a previous relationship, or biological children with her current husband, she will consider herself a better mother than the biological mother.
There’s a an old saying that goes, “There is no love like a mother’s love.” Mothers are very territorial, and very protective of their children. When there are two women acting in the capacity of mother for the same child, there will be conflict. Stepmothers may not always be more effective as parents than biological mothers, but the qualitative research in this study has indicated that they believe themselves to be. This hypothesis will explore whether or not that assumption is true on a wider range, though unfortunately it cannot explain why this might be the assumption.
H3: If a stepmother finds being a stepmother stressful, she will also feel that her marriage is threatened by her stepchildren.
Women are more emotional creatures than men. Their feelings often overpower their logic. Therefore, if a woman finds being a stepmother to be stressful, she is more likely to expand that stress to other avenues of her life, in this case her marriage. Whether it is because she doesn’t feel fully supported as a stepmother by her spouse, or whether she feels threatened by her stepchildren’s biological mother, she will be more likely to envelope her marriage with those feelings as well.
H4:Regardless of how long a woman has been a stepmother, she will consider her stepchildren to be part of her family.
As the explanation in the aforementioned hypotheses explained, women are more emotional than men. Women tend to lead with their hearts rather than their heads. For the most part, women will look at stepchildren as people who need saving. Stepmothers also, from the previous qualitative study, are drawn to their stepchildren even when not necessarily drawn to their husbands. Therefore, it is logical to say that women will take stepchildren into the fold readily and early in their stepmother journey.
Methods
Participants for this survey came from an online posting of the survey in a closed stepmother support group on Facebook. The respondents were a group of stepmothers and were chosen based on the first 100 responses. Survey respondent locations varied; there were several from England, one from Australia, and the rest came from all across the United States.
In order to answer Hypothesis 1, which was “Women who have been stepmothers for less than 10 years are more likely to find the experience more stressful than women who have been stepmothers for over 10 years,” an independent samples T-test was performed. This variable was measured by the participants’ responses on a rating scale designed for the study ranging from “1 – Strongly Disagree” to “5 – Strongly Agree” on the question “I find being a stepmother very stressful.”
There was a significant difference in the scores for newer stepmothers (M=3.80, SD=1.12) and older stepmothers (M=3.25, SD=1.48) conditions; t(98)=1.99, p = .049. These results suggest that there is a statistically significant difference between the two groups. Specifically, the results suggest that women who have been stepmothers for less than 10 years find the role more stressful than women who have been stepmothers for more than 10 years.
In order to answer Hypothesis 2, which was “Regardless of whether or not a stepmother has no biological children, biological children from a previous relationship, or biological children with her current husband, she will consider herself a better mother than the biological mother,” an ANOVA, or Analysis of Variance, test was performed. The same scale was used to record participant responses based on the statement “I can do a better job than my stepchild’s real mother.”
There was a not a significant effect of child status on whether or not a stepmother considered herself a better parent than the biological mother at the p<.05 level="" for="" the="" three="" conditions="" .359="" p=".700]. " in="" other="" words="" results="" indicate="" that="" there="" is="" no="" significant="" difference="" between="" groups="" this="" test.="" all="" have="" similar="" feelings="" regarding="" their="" superiority="" as="" mothers="" over="" stepchild="" biological="" mothers.=""></.05>
In order to answer Hypothesis 3, which was “If a stepmother finds being a stepmother stressful, she will also feel that her marriage is threatened by her stepchildren,” a Pearson product-moment correlation coefficient was computed to assess the relationship between stress as a stepmother and perceived stress in the marriage.
There was a positive correlation between the two variables, r = 0.394, N = 100, p = 0.000. A scatterplot summarizes the results (Figure 1). The correlation was not statistically significant, however. Overall, there was a positive, but weak, correlation between the levels of stress in the stepmother role and the possible negative effect on the marriage.
In order to answer Hypothesis 4, which was “Regardless of how long a woman has been a stepmother, she will consider her stepchildren to be part of her family,” a chi-square test was run. The determination for this test was whether women who have been stepmothers for less than 10 years considered their stepchildren to be just as much of a part of the family as women who have been stepmothers for 10 years or more.
Results indicate that there was no statistically significant difference between the two groups in this category. c2 (3, N=100) = 2.45, p =. 48. This means that no matter how long a woman has been a stepmother, she is likely to consider her stepchildren to be part of her family. The majority of participants in each category, in fact, strongly agreed that they felt this way about their stepchildren.
Discussion
Overall, this research has shown that the role of the stepmother is a complicated one. Outside factors such as the biological parents and their effect on the stepchild’s behavior cause the stepmother to frequently re-evaluate and adjust her role accordingly. Other factors such as her husband’s support of her, or lack thereof, and whether or not she has biological children of her own also upset an already delicate balance. If I were to go on with this research, I would definitely sharpen my point of focus to those stepmothers who had significant control over their stepchild’s upbringing as well as that of their biological child, to see how those relationships fared in contrast to one another. I also believe, as a result of this research, that stepchildren who live in their stepmother’s house full-time adjust to the situation more readily because they are with their stepmother more often. It’s along the lines of the “sink or swim” analogy. It is far easier to adjust to a situation if you are living in it full-time. Children, especially, are more resilient and can adapt more readily to situations if they are exposed to those situations on a steady basis. I believe that children respond more to the familiarity of a routine than they do to the idea of having a stepmother.
This is a topic worthy of future research. As the definition of the modern family continues to change, the stepmother becomes more and more an integral part of what makes today’s family work. The successful stepmother must be able to use intuition to know what is needed of her and when. She also, as these interviews and surveys have shown, must develop a thick skin and be able to shift back and forth in her roles as her stepchildren demand. The presence or absence of the biological mother seems to be a key irritant in the stepmother’s quest, as both women frequently want to exert their authority over the children.
Mothers have historically been the glue that holds a family together. Stepmothers have historically been wicked, based on fairytale folklore and the wild imaginations of generations of children. A child who is loyal to his mother and angry with his father for remarrying can make the stepmother the focus of his helplessness and rage. This is a role that needs future examination for that reason. This is a role that has the potential to make or break families that have already been broken.
More research is needed on this topic simply because the nuclear family is not the stronghold of society it once was. Stepparents are shifting from the exception to the norm, and research needs to keep up with that shift.
Limitations
Some of the limitations of this survey were the sample size and the way the sample size was obtained. There were 100 respondents, and the sample was taken on a first come, first served basis. The first 100 respondents were selected, so this was a convenience sampling in that aspect. Although all 100 respondents were stepmothers, there were no real qualifying questions beyond that. All stepmothers were accepted, regardless of their stepparenting situation.
Additionally, the parameters of this assignment kept the focus to very specific testing conditions. Although the tests chosen were comprehensive and thorough, more testing of different variables obtained from a longer and more detailed survey would help focus future research. A much larger sample size would also help to weed through and select appropriate stepmother respondents accordingly rather than my method of choosing the first 100 participants.
For any future research I might conduct, I would also provide more focus on my survey by using age ranges and custodial arrangements. Due to time constraints and the relatively narrow focus of this study, those qualifiers were not included. If I were to expound on this topic in the future, I would use those categories as well and focus on them individually in order to obtain both a broader and more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Methods
Participant Sampling
Subjects were chosen equally from two different sources. Half came from an open call in a stepmother support group, and the other half were co-workers of the researcher. Respondents were then subdivided based on the type of stepfamily. Participants fell into one of three categories: stepmothers with no biological children, stepmothers with biological children from a previous marriage or relationship, and stepmothers who have children with their spouse in addition to children from previous relationships.
From that sampling, the breakdown was as follows: four stepmothers with no biological children, three stepmothers with biological children from a previous marriage, and three stepmothers who have children with their spouse in addition to children from a previous relationship.
Of the ten, six have been married more than five years and four have been married less than five years. The subject who has the most step-mothering years under her belt has been married 22 years, and the subject with the least experience has been married for just over one year.
All subjects were attentive and willing to provide detail to gain a better understanding of the big picture. None of the ten seemed reluctant to give testimony about her story or appeared to withhold information when asked any of the questions.
Subjects
Subject One is a co-worker respondent and was interviewed in her home. She had two benefits going for her in her stepmothering experience: she has been a stepmother for 18 years and her stepchildren are all adults. She has one biological son and she and her husband have one child still at home, a teenage girl. Those factors alone made a compelling argument for both research questions and were the items in her interview that stuck out the most. She did not spend much time with her stepchildren when they were younger, but cultivated relationships with them as adults and is satisfied with the way they interact with her now.
Subject Two is a co-worker respondent and was interviewed at her place of employment. She also had a lot of experience as a stepmother. She differed from Subject One in that she virtually raised her stepchildren from the beginning of her marriage. She has no biological children. She has been a stepmother for 22 years and her stepchildren are all adults. She also has stepgrandchildren, which was another phenomenon that would be interesting to explore in future research. She was one of two interview subjects who stated that she had thought about leaving many times, but that it was her stepchildren that kept her in the marriage in those times of turmoil.
Subject Three was a fascinating interview and the only one who had stepchildren from multiple biological mothers. She is an online support group respondent and was interviewed in an online video chat setting. She has been married for two and a half years, and her husband has seven children from three previous relationships. Although she maintained that she has never wanted children of her own, she said that she loved her stepchildren more than anything. She was another subject who stated that she stayed in the marriage because of her love for the children.
Subject Four is online support group respondent and was interviewed in her home. She is an eight-year stepmother with two teenage stepchildren, a girl and a boy. Teenagers come with their own unique challenges, so when the dimension of stepchildren is added to that already tenuous parent-teenager relationship, there comes a whole new depth to the type of challenges. She and her husband had many struggles with the biological mother, which she said led to stress eating and 80-pound weight gains for her and her husband. Only in the last year, she says, have she and her husband made their peace with the problems of the biological mother, and they have finally shed the last of the weight they gained in the beginning. She was the interview subject who stated that things seemed to have gotten easier after the first five years, though it took her a full seven years to feel truly comfortable in her role as a stepmother.
Subject Five, an online support group respondent, was interviewed via video chat. She has been married six years and has three stepchildren, all boys. She is one of two interview subjects with full custody of the children, which is a non-typical arrangement. Hers is an interesting story for that reason. The stepmother as the predominant mother figure adds to the challenges because of the children struggling with the worry that their mother doesn’t want them.
Subject Six is a co-worker respondent and was interviewed in her home. She shares the quality of being the predominant mother figure added to the struggle of having equal custody of a biological child. She is a new stepmother. All three of the children are boys, and she likens her situation to living in a frat house. She is in charge of running the household, and says that while it mostly goes well, she struggles with the boys’ mother living nearby with her new baby. She worries that the boys feel abandoned. She is also the interview subject who admitted that she had thought about leaving solely because of the children.
Subject Seven is an online support group respondent and was interviewed using video chat. She shares a combined total of five children – two stepchildren, one previous biological child, and two children with her husband. She claims that everything changed once she and her husband had their own children and says that made all the difference in the quality of their relationship and family.
Subject Eight is a co-worker respondent and was interviewed at her place of employment. She has been a stepmother for four years. Her husband has children from two different ex-wives in addition to her two children from a previous marriage. She and her husband have a daughter together. One of her stepchildren is an adult who won’t move out of the parent’s house (he goes back and forth between parents if he feels that he has worn out his welcome) or get a job, and her youngest is three years old. Running that gamut of ages and situations provides her with an assortment of struggles as a stepmother.
Subject Nine, an online support group respondent, was interviewed using video chat. She is currently struggling with whether or not she should stay in her marriage, but not because of the children. Rather, the relationship and fighting between her husband and his ex-wife and the way it is affecting her life is making her consider leaving. She has a biological son and two stepchildren, a boy and a girl.
Subject Ten is from the online support group and was interviewed using video chat. She is the one subject with stepchildren as well as a biological child with her husband. She had no biological children before the relationship. She is currently struggling with her stepchildren and their biological mother, who is on Social Security disability for mental disorders. The biological mother continues to take them to court regularly, with three
motions in the last 10 months alone. For the first six years of her seven years of marriage, she and her husband had the stepchildren every other weekend. Since December of last year, though, they have sole custody. In terms of adjustment, it was like starting all over.
Of the ten interviews, five stepmothers have been married for over five years. Of those five, they all said that it has gotten progressively easier with time, with two specifically saying that the five-year mark made all the difference in terms of being able to handle struggles without thinking about giving up on the whole gig. Of the five stepmothers who have been married less than five years, three have recently considered leaving the marriage. One of them blames a stepchild for this. All of them name biological parents as factors in their difficulties with the marriage, both their husbands and the biological mothers of their stepchildren.
All ten interview subjects have had significant trouble with the biological mothers of their stepchildren. The trouble ranges from communication issues to downright warfare. Women tend to be more emotional than men, and are particularly territorial when it comes to children. It seems to naturally follow that mothers would feel threatened by another woman spending time with their children, and conversely that stepmothers would feel threatened by the biological mother’s continued role as co-parent with their husbands.
Interpretation of Results
The interviews were all recorded using a digital recording device. Four interviews also took place using a video chat service with the digital recorder additionally operating for transcription reference purposes. After recording, the interviews were transcribed, and then analyzed for similarities and differences in answering the chosen research questions. The interview guide that was used can be found in Appendix A.
Results
Research question one, “Does being a stepmother become easier with time?” was answered in the affirmative. Based on these ten interviews, the research shows that being a stepmother does become easier with time. There seems to be a direct correlation with age of the children and amount of time each stepmother spends with the children, too. The answer to this question, however, also flows into the answer of the next question. If there is an active campaign by one or both biological parents against the stepmother, depending on the age and susceptibility of the children, the adjustment period is prolonged accordingly.
This was summed up well in parts of nearly every interview. Subject One came back time and time again to the point that adult stepchildren were much easier to have a relationship with than small stepchildren.
“Adults grow up and look back on their childhood and go, oh my God.
They see things themselves rather than through somebody else’s eyes.”
The more a child is used to an arrangement, the easier it becomes to accept. Subject Two has been a stepmother for 22 years. From the beginning, she was the primary caregiver for her stepsons. Still, the biological mother tried to interfere publicly many times for the first five years. Eventually, the woman left her children and moved to another state, which was a contributing factor to what made things easier. Subject Two did state that, looking back, the only trouble she really had with the boys probably occurred because they were teenagers and not because of any ill feelings they had toward her as a stepmother. She stated
that it was the only rough patch she went through with them, as opposed to issues she had with their father.
“But as far as with the boys, things have just consistently gotten better
all the time. I look back at the things that happened, during their teenage
years, and I might have taken them the most personally, um, but I look at
it now and think, that’s a normal teenager. When I didn’t let them do what
they wanted to do, they reacted with frustration, the same way they would
have had I been their biological parent.”
Those were the two stepmothers who had logged in the most years in their roles, but is the factor of having adult stepchildren the only thing that makes it easier? Subject Five maintained that things improved for her after several years.
“It was all so terrible in the beginning. I almost didn’t make it. If it weren't
for my husband trying to understand and be kind and caring as I adjusted
to being a stepmom and working full-time I probably would have not gotten
through the first year of being a stepmom, let alone the next four years.”
The second research question, “How much do the biological parents affect the stepmother/stepchild relationship?” revealed the most animated and varied responses, but for the most part, the answer to whether or not the biological parents affected the stepmother-stepchild relationship met with an affirmative answer. Regardless of the number of years these women had been stepmothers, the instances in which the biological parent interfered with their stepchild relationships were many and ongoing.
Subject Four, an eight-year stepmother, struggles with the biological mother’s jealously about the kids being happy when they’re with her and their dad.
“The kids told us that their mom coaches them
on what to say to us and how to feel about us.”
Subject Ten’s ongoing struggles with her stepchildrens’ biological mother are bad enough that she has considered leaving because of it.
“Their mother spends all of her time saying I am not their mother,
and I shouldn't do this or shouldn't do that and they don't have to
listen to everything I say.”
Subject Nine doesn’t have real struggles with her stepchildren, but their mother is another story altogether and she has difficulties dealing with a woman who is on disability for her mental disorders. She had thought about leaving early on in the marriage, but credits her support system for getting her this far in her journey.
“I have learned a lot from stepmom groups and stepfamily research.
Wish I would have read it from the beginning! I jumped in too high
and too fast and then realized after that how much it strained our
relationship.”
Overall, the respondents’ answers showed that the struggles of merging households and families in addition to dealing with the emotions and jealousies of the biological parents of their stepchildren caused the tougher road. The children and their behaviors away from the biological parents did not seem to be a significant factor in this research. However, it should be pointed out that children form part of their identities from their parents, and as such, it makes truly answering that question difficult. The stepchild’s guilt over favoring his stepmother too much could and often does affect his relationship with his stepmother. While his biological parents are not directly at fault for his behavior, they are the primary influence for it. In other words, the child may act difficult and may prevent his stepmother from forming a relationship with him because he is afraid his mother will be angry or hurt if she finds out that he cares about another maternal figure.
In summarizing the ten subjects’ responses, the results showed that being a stepmother does seem to get easier with time. The results also showed that the setbacks experienced by stepmothers are largely due to issues with the biological parents of the children. The interviews answered both research questions definitively.
Discussion
Based on this limited sampling of interviews, it can be concluded that being a stepmother does become easier with time, but that extenuating circumstances such as biological parent interference and time spent with the children can either hasten or hinder the process dramatically.
Although I expected trouble with the biological mothers of stepchildren to be a factor, I was surprised to find in my interviews that it was the factor that comprised most, if not all, of the stepmother/stepchild relationship problems. The only complaints I really heard about stepchildren, across the board, were regarding teenage stepchildren, and the teenage years are difficult regardless of a child’s living arrangement. The subjects also cared more deeply about the stepchildren than I would have suspected. I believe now that being a stepmother DOES get easier with time, and that problems with the biological parents, whether it be co-parenting with their husbands or dealing with the children’s mothers, make up the majority of problems that stepmothers face.
I loved the validation this study gave to the research questions I had chosen. I really didn’t know, going in, what to expect from these interviews. I wanted to have a diverse subject pool, so I was concerned that the answers would be as varied as the participants were. I was amazed to learn that the issues came down to the same basic things regardless of the subject’s length of marriage and type of stepfamily.
The limitations to this study were the small interview sampling of ten subjects. In addition to the small size, this was a convenience sampling. Co-worker respondents were chosen first, with the only criteria being that they were currently stepmothers. Subjects from the online support group were chosen next, based on meeting criteria necessary to have representation in each stepfamily type.
Another limitation in this research was that none of the stepchildren had a biological mother who was deceased or had removed herself entirely from his life. If the stepmother was the only maternal figure, the transition time in the stepchild getting used to the stepmother’s presence in his life could be altered, or it could be that his guilt over loving another parent figure would be greater since his biological mother is permanently gone.
Areas of future research should include a comprehensive survey of a significantly larger stepmother sampling to get a better idea of the relationships with stepmothers and stepchildren today. Ideally, a broader study would also include former stepmothers – those who did not make it in their journey. Getting a feel for what caused their marriages to crash and burn would aid in pinpointing themes in their struggles.
For stepmothers who are looking for resources to aid them in their personal journeys, more research should be concentrated in how to make their marriages work. Without the marriage, the stepmother role would not exist. The initial research done for this study suggests that the stronger the marriage, the more successful a stepmother will be in her relationship with her stepchild. Exploring ways for the stepmother to concentrate on her marriage and communicating with her spouse about providing a strong and united front for the children regardless of the circumstance will aid stepmothers in navigating initial and ongoing obstacles alike as they chart the uncertain territory of marrying into a ready-made family.
