On this occasion, the topic was the philosopher Alan Watts, and I listened to his lecture on our stereo, my mind first cracking, then blowing open as he continued to speak like the words he was delivering were totally no big deal. I'm pretty sure my mouth was hanging open.
I continued to listen until I received a phone call informing me that the wedding I had performed 10 days prior was probably not legal, but let's save that topic for another time. The point is, the introduction of the wedding fiasco put Alan Watts right out of my mind until another 10 days later, when this link showed up on my Facebook news feed.
Comic Strip of Alan Watts' Lecture: What If Money Was No Object?
Hey, kids, check this link out if you like your lessons delivered with no sides of bullshit. This cuts to the chase in such a way that even I retained the information. If you know me at all, you know that I always MEAN to remember things, but I rarely (read: pretty much never) do. Many times I have been almost finished with a book when I realize that I've already read it.
But I digress. The point I was trying to make was that I retained this information, and then thought about it. And then started to put it into action.
One of my favorite sayings is that it's important to have goals. The way I use it is all wrong, though. I'll say it jokingly as I finish an entire sleeve of Nutter Butters, or Oreos, or as I tally up the resulting weight gain. I use it sarcastically, okay? But my mouth is usually full when I do, and I'm usually alone, crying, so does it really count?
Totally kidding. I never cry when I'm eating cookies. That's a happy occasion every time. By the way, did you hear about Pumpkin Spice and Caramel Apple Oreos? I think it's a real thing this holiday season. Oh my gosh, can you even imagine? Well, I'm on the fence about the Caramel Apple, but not so much on the fence that I wouldn't obligingly hop off and sample a full sleeve.
Back to Alan Watts. The comic strip essentially says to do what you like. Which you should know, because you totally clicked on the link and read it, because you're like me and prefer lectures in comic book form only. The evening I read it, I walked to the Community Center and did some Les Mills Combat Cardio, then walked home. And as I walked, it occurred to me that there were two things that I am absolutely passionate about that make me feel great every time I practice them. This is what keeps eating off of the list, because although I'm passionate about it, it makes me feel like junk because I have that eating disorder nobody talks about called "I'm fine until I have the first bite, and then I eat my kitchen."
So back to the two things. The first is working out, and the second is writing. Maybe not even in that order. Maybe even tied. Doing either of these things, though, fills me with happiness and purpose, and I feel fulfilled in ways that I have never experienced in anything. Once I realized that, and don't get me wrong, I pretty much knew it, everything snapped into place. I began to realize exactly what I needed to go forward, and what I needed to let go.
That's where the complications set in, because one of my biggest weaknesses is that I am not a quitter. I don't like to admit defeat, and I don't like to lose. One of the things that I realized was that I had to quit a habit that I've had for most of my life, because that habit is holding me back. And that realization filled me with fear. And that fear made me want to scrap everything.
And then I realized that the option of scrapping everything, and continuing to live my life as I had been, filled me with an even bigger fear.
So, that's where I am. On the brink. On the threshold. But I feel a lot better than I did earlier in the week, and you know why? Because I identified what made me happy, and I identified what was not making me happy.
Think about that. If you're a list maker, make a list. What makes you truly happy? Take everyone else out of it - their needs, their expectations, their demands of your time and resources, and think about what makes YOU happy. What leaves you with a glow long after you have left it? What fills you with purpose and passion and makes you feel just so damn ALIVE?
And what holds you back? What is your fear? Don't be afraid to dissect it and examine the layers. It's not until you truly get to the meat of the issue that the lesson begins. Don't be surprised if the answer isn't what you think it is, either. Don't even be surprised if you're left even more confused than when you started. One of my other favorite sayings is, "It's a process."
This damn sure is a process. One that will take time. One that may have a lot of two steps forward and one step back. One that may feel like a journey with no destination.
Just remember, this is it. This is your shot. This is the one life you get to live. No matter how scared you may be, isn't it even scarier to think that you might not live that life of purpose and happiness at all?
So, what holds YOU back?
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