Be Thankful.

A friend of mine halted my mourning briefly when he told me to shut up and be thankful for my life. 

He actually said it more forcefully, and I stopped crying and became furious. 

I believe what I said was, "I'll thank you for this later, but for now? SHUT UP."

Be THANKFUL? My best friend, my husband, my housemate, my former husband, all of those things rolled into one that Bill was, had just died. I had to pack up our life and move within a few weeks. Our plan was long since abandoned. Be THANKFUL?

Another friend coached me on finding the positive for every negative. That felt similarly hard.

Praying was mostly crying and asking "Why?"

And then yesterday, I moved. I watched as our bed was carried away, as our memories were divided, loaded, and driven away, packaged neatly like those shared years were just that simple. 

I gripped the Señor Frogs giant cylindrical neon cups from Vegas, straws still contained within, for a little too long. 

A lot too long.

I inhaled the scent of the house (and every home has its own) as deeply as I could, knowing I would still forget and crying at the thought. 

I cried off my Tattoo liner. My Kat von D TATTOO LINER. 

It's waterproof.

And then, curiously, I began to notice things.