Countdown: 40, F&@$ing Seriously?

So I have this milestone-ish birthday coming up in less than two months, and although I don’t feel any differently approaching this age than I’ve really felt approaching ANY age, the parade of high school friends who have preceded me to it in the last year kind of provide an ever-present reminder that it’s coming.

Most recently, it was my fellow NHSer, Angela. She celebrated the entire month leading up to her birthday with little daily treats, which she photographed and posted. While I really, really love that idea, I’m driven in a different direction – one of fitness goals that are in line with my last 18 months of deep denial that I’m aging.

Although I refuse to participate in any kind of 5K, half marathon, marathon, whatever, I do have two specific goals for 40:

1. I will walk 100,000 steps in 24 hours.
2. I will be able to do a headstand without the assistance of a wall.

That’s pretty much it. From a list standpoint, there are only two items, which seems incredibly easy. From a practical standpoint, it’s ridiculous.

One hundred thousand steps is, like, 38 miles.

A headstand is, like, a headstand.

Since getting my Fitbit for Christmas last year, the closest I have come to 100,000 steps was 25,000 in Boca Raton. It involved, surprisingly, a lot of walking. And I’m talking about doing four TIMES that much walking in one day. It’s nuts.

The closest I’ve come to a headstand is up against the wall after Fit Club one day with plenty of help from my sister, Shannon. Additionally, I’m doing ever-lengthening daily sessions of Crow Pose in order to lie to myself that it is in any way preparing me for a successful headstand.

I do go to Fit Club, and I do participate fully. However, I may be sabotaging myself a little with my internal dialogue.

Case in point: last night we did 21 Day Fix Extreme Lower Body followed by some type of Extreme Ab Rippin’ and a’Shreddin’ or something. Forty minutes total. What’s 40 minutes in a human life?

Hours after we started, I looked at the time remaining.

We had only been going for four and a half minutes. FOUR AND A HALF MINUTES. What the actual hell? I’m not a math type, but I’m pretty sure that’s just over 10 percent of the total class time.

That isn’t even the worst part. The instructors for these classes are on some kind of drug that acts as a simultaneous mood booster and sweat suppressant and enables them to be stupid happy and beautiful at the same time. And they talk. Cheerfully and relentlessly.

For everything they say, I have a mental counter, and this is where I struggle. If I devoted all my energy to the physical, I’d be in far better shape than I am. But instead, it goes a little something like this:

Instructor: “Post YOUR pictures of 600 consecutive squats with weights! Hashtag 21 Day Fix!”

Me: “Hashtag Piss Off Hashtag Nice Bra Hashtag I HATE YOU.”

Other Instructor: “Oh, come on, Jen! You can get deeper than that!”

Me: “My fist will show you deeper than that.”

Instructor: “If you want the results, this is when you have to push! You won’t get anywhere if you don’t push harder!”

Me: “Shit, that’s actually a good point.”

And that’s what it comes down to. I’ve alternated between lots of exercise and none exercise from my teenage years to now, but my body prefers to go hard. I like all-weekend tennis tournaments. I like Insanity Max.

I just have to convince my mind of it. Also, last night when I went to my friend’s after the workout and ate the frosting off half a box of cupcakes, I realized that it was not only the mindful, but also the mindless behavior on which I need to focus.

So, to recap:

1. 100,000
2. Headstand
3. Complete revamp of mental bitchiness and sabotage
4. Less than 60 days to goal date

Super easy.

Hashtag whatever.