postsecret

My sister is a big PostSecret fan. She remembers to check it every Sunday, and will occasionally text me, telling me to read them all and guess which one made her think of me, or guess which one made her cry?

She's a soft touch. Don't let that resting bitch face fool you.

And I have often wondered, over the years, what my secret would be. What is the darkest thing in my soul, the thing I dare not tell anyone?

And how would I phrase it when I don't even know what words exactly to assign to it?

So yeah, I don't have much of one. There is nothing so bad in my life that I haven't shared it with at least one other person.

But there are some that provoke such deep and instant emotion within me that I have to wonder...

Is it possible that I have a secret so deep that I don't even know it?

My marriage is ending. It's ending, and it's a slow-motion train wreck, or a car crash, ithurtspleasemakeitneverhavehappened, and I have known it was ending for over a year, more like, wow, 18 months, and I didn't want it to, I wanted to hang on so tight, I wanted to never let go, I wanted to hold on to my marriage like a kid holds on to a new puppy or kitten.

But squeezing that tightly can cause whatever you're holding onto to die.

The other thing with my marriage was that almost everyone I knew saw the writing on the wall from the beginning. Everyone but me.

Who am I kidding? I saw it. I knew. I knew when I was 18 years old and he called me out of nowhere, told me to come over without any underwear on, and we had sex for about 10 seconds while he looked out the window to make sure his girlfriend wasn't coming home for lunch. With their baby.

I knew it when he told me they broke up, and then my doorbell rang one day and I answered it to find her, her sister, and her cousin standing there staring at me.

I knew it when he called me when I was engaged, then when I was married. One or two or several times a year, every year. Always to ask if I would meet him on some road to have sex.

I knew it when I finally acquiesced, 11 years later, and had an affair while my husband sat, stoned and watching porn, in his man cave.