Personal

Last night, my son played me a new song. He prefaced the playing by telling me that it was very sad, but brilliant.

Well, I've been emotional these last few days, and it seemed like the timing for a sad song was not great, but he's my son and I love him, so I acquiesced.

The song is called Personal, by Stars, and the lyrics are as follows.



[Wanted:]
Single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea
[Sought by single m:] Mrs.Destiny, send photo to address, is it you and me?

[Reply to single m:]
My name is Caroline cell phone number here, call if you have the time
28 and bored, grieving over loss, sorry to be heavy but heavy is the cost, heavy is the cost

[Reply to Caroline:]
Thanks so much for response, these things can be scary
Not always what you want
How about a drink? The St.Jude club at noon?
I'll phone you first I guess
I hope I see you soon!

I never got your name, I assume you're 33
Your voice it sounded kind
I hope that you like me
When you see my face, I hope that you don't laugh
I'm not a film-star beauty
I sent a photograph
I hope that you don't laugh...

[Note to single m:]
Why did you not show up?
I waited for an hour and finally gave up
I thought once that I saw you, I thought that you saw me
I guess we'll never meet now
It wasn't meant to be
I was sure that you saw me, but it wasn't meant to be

[Wanted:]
single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea
Sought by single m:
nothing too heavy, send photo to address
is it you?
or me?

I almost had to leave the room. Because it wasn't just that the lyrics were so sad (and they were). It wasn't just the combination of the lyrics with the heartbreakingly beautiful melody. What really finished me off was the nonverbal portion.

The female part came quickly, words almost tumbling one over the other as she replied. The male part was slower. There were pauses, and those pauses continued to lengthen. By the end, it was almost too intense to listen to. There has only ever been one other song to invoke that sort of intense emotion within me upon first listen, so this was huge.

Hunter wanted to play it again, and I said no. He started to anyway, so eager was he to convince me of the beauty of it, and when he did, I had to leave the room.

And then I started to think about it. Though the theme of a woman who had suffered a loss trying to find love and being brutally rejected was tragic, that woman could have had it a lot worse. She was lucky to have found someone who made no secret of the fact that he was an asshole, though he did reveal himself in an underhanded way. She was lucky that the relationship never developed, because what kind of person does that? Certainly not the type that you want in your life long-term.

And then I REALLY started to think about it. This song brings up an interesting point. We all just want to be happy. Many of us achieve that happiness in a relationship, or so we think. The beginning is all puppy love and obsession, and it feels nice. It feels like the most amazing thing in the world, and why didn't anyone ever tell us love was this big? This beautiful? We neglect other parts of our lives, so wrapped up are we in that other person.

Then the new wears off, and this relationship starts to require work, and the next thing you know, you're not sure the last time that you had a real conversation. Maybe you have kids together, or have a demanding job, and you forget to focus on your significant other. And then...he or she is gone, and the crushing grief kicks in. You really loved that person. He or she was your life, and meant everything to you. You can't think of anything else but how happy you were with them, even if, while you were in that relationship, you weren't really focused on it. You start to think you're miserable and will never be happy again.

That kind of thinking, and I can say it because I've been guilty of it, is STUPID. You cannot depend on someone else to be in charge of your happiness. The only person who can control your emotions...is you.

Absolutely, mourn the end of a relationship. Absolutely, take a little time to feel sorry for yourself, to wallow in self-pity, to eat up all the ice cream you can find and listen to the song he played for you when he declared his love for the first time.

And then man up and move on.

You owe it to yourself, the person that you will spend every waking moment with for the entirety of your lifetime. You owe it to yourself to realize that the relationship you have with YOU needs to be the best thing you ever experienced.

Get to know yourself. Obsess over what makes you happy. Find your comfort zone.

Be your own best friend.

And maybe someday you will find your soul mate, but there is no sense in even trying to do that if you don't like yourself. If YOU don't like you, why on earth should anyone else?

So, to that girl in the song, and I know she is everywhere in the world, don't pin your hopes on him. Grieve your loss first, and then go buy yourself something, even if it's just a new tube of lipstick. Practice smiling. Then practice it more. Before long, it will come naturally. Smile right now and tell me you don't feel just a tiny bit better.

And then remind yourself that you're pretty damn amazing. And someday, if someone is lucky enough, they'll get to realize it, too.