I don't have a lot of memories from childhood. I don't remember really ever wanting to BE anything, except a writer. When I was 19, however, I became dead-set on achieving a very particular goal. Once I achieve this goal, I told myself then, my life will be set.
Do you see where this is headed?
I achieved the goal. I wanted it, I wished for it, I prayed about it, and I got it.
Now I don't know how I feel about that.
It doesn't matter what it is.
When I look at the surface of my life, it seems absolutely amazing. I live in a dream home, after facing the loss of our previous home a few months ago. I have the best kids in the world, even if only one of them is mine biologically. I have my "dream" husband. I have a college degree. I no longer have cancer. I have one amazing job and one not-terrible job. I have hair again.
So why am I in such a fog?
I have true happiness when I'm with the three boys, or any variation of the three, and they're trying to one-up each other with ridiculousness. I truly am happy at the theater. I truly am happy living in the house I live in, and the land and the pond that comes with it are out of this world. The beauty is incredible. Being there makes me feel even closer to God.
Other than that, I feel like I'm living in my own world, and only snap out of it periodically. I feel like I have a wall built around my heart all the time when I'm not with the kids. Even when I'm laughing, or smiling, which is almost all the time, I feel like I'm not really present.
I wish I knew what this was all about. I think I know, and I do think part of it is the aftermath of cancer, when sure, you might be healthy, but you're always waiting for what's next. And there are always, always more bills, even when you think that every department in every medical facility in the tri-state area has already billed you. It seems like a hole I will never be able to crawl out of, and it's on my mind a lot.
My college degree, as I suspected, has not changed my life at all, but I do miss college. I don't know if no longer having that routine and facing the everyday drudgery of work again is part of it, either.
I JUST DON'T KNOW. I don't KNOW. And it's bugging the crap out of me.
Thank God for music.
